Wednesday, November 30, 2005

i seek ease from my unease.

as usual i am the last one left on the street, my mind has already glazed over - how did i learn to do this? I've already forgotten everything, all of it gone, no matter how deeply the words struck or how much sadness they filled me with.

the darkness surrounds me and i fall into it, i find solace in true emptiness and stillness, not carrying on. i feel like i want to collapse, never has the feeling manifested itself so.

i was always too smart to take it that far, to abuse. but where has all my emotion gone?

what things do people see in me that i can't see in myself.

subconscious.

black everywhere, pale orange somewhere, nothing everywhere, and nowhere. eerie, still monsters loom above me, surreal.

yet again it all fades away.

i knew things were fucked up, i knew i wasn't wrong. illusion.

yet again it all fades away.

Friday, November 04, 2005

I was fucking defending you honour up there you stupid CUNT (spits in her face)

how fucking dare you say that to me(shouting) don't you ever fucking say that again.

Do you have any fucking idea how much you hurt me up there. You did that on fucking purpose didn't you... You wanted to hurt me, didn't you.

(g/f) - muffled response.

i hear snippets of conversation, the guy is talking about himself being a horrible person, his whole life's fucked or something. The girl's not with it, she's talking like a machine.
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a bit later....
(g/f) - are you off your face?
I had a 1/4, and you had fucking 3/4 so maybe you should be asking yourself that question.

(g/f) actually i am off my face.
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Yeah, shit, we've been drinking for about 12 hours straight now haven't we!?

other girl - yeah i'm so fucking wrecked.

the guys go psycho after that amount of time, i swear.

(meanwhile the guy who spat on his girlfriend's face's face is turning red, and the two guys start acting like some kind of monkeys, the other one avoiding eye contact completely and staying very, very still.)
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that casino is the most soulless place i have ever encountered. my fucking god. It's everything that's bad about a 'night on the town', not to mention people fucking up their lives through their gambling addiction. Consumerism is rife there. It's impossible to tell what time of day it is, at 2am i still felt perky, just sitting there watching the people. (about 3 hours after i got there). the lights completely fool any sense of the passing of time. you could stay there forever, and no-one would ever notice you. such alienation. Never before have i witnessed such superficial judgements of people. Just the way people were checking each other out. and the men treating the women like pieces of meat.

(softly 'between mates')
man, check it out, that's some fucking fine pussy over there.
"OI! GET THE FUCK OVER HERE."

"LOOK AT THAT, FUCKING FUCK OFF THEN, STUPID SLUTS!"
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Business suit
pinstripe
cocaine
big ego
big muscles
big cock
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this girl (late 20's) sort of stumbles past me and sits down on the chair, like a child. old people who take drugs seem childlike to me, anyway that's off the topic, she sits there staring into space the look on her face becoming more and more despondent, she looks empty. i could tell she didn't have a good night. some kind of desperation. she looks empty. it was very busy.

there's so many people eating, but they never finish their meals. there's always at least half left. they eat slowly too, and their hands shake almost imperceptibly, as if they have a mild case of parkinson's. diminished consciousness.

another thing i notice is that people go round in circles a lot. i saw so many of the same people again and again, with a lost look in their eyes. what are they looking for?

i would highly reccomend observing people. i think i learnt a lot. people boiled down to their needs, their desire for something more.