"Dear old people, are you hearing this? If you want to save money on gas, stop driving. What the fuck are you doing living in LA anyway? And if you want cheap furniture, go to a garage sale. Everything about you looks like shit, so stop watching home makeover shows. If you want to see real design, check out the makeshift knife in your son's pants. Or the roach traps poor people make. Shit, just take a look at our living room. It's a thousand times nicer than yours, and we're broke."

can't get enough.

last night i threw bottles down dark alleyways, smoked hookahs with strawberry tobacco, drank about 3 longnecks, had sex, and kissed a man.

i feel like some sort of psycho punk

the other night i dreamed Kat had a penis, a big one too... with the head longer than the shaft.

when i die i want to have a funeral party and heaps of fuckloads of womens and gents will be invited to the party, and it can be in a graveryard and everyone can get completely fucked off their heads... but then after they slowly drift out of their hang-overish sleepiness in the morning they will feel insanely sad, (partly cos they're hung over) and start crying and realise that i'm dead.

i love max, he looks cool smoking a hookah.
who's sincere?

the purpose of the design of our organisms (and our sensory organs) is to block out as much of the universe as is nescessary for us to be able to concentrate on our earthly, survivalist tasks down here.

i remember a really shit party where reggae was playing and i sold some italian guys a gram of weed for 5 bucks less than what i bought it for. the italian guys were asking a girl in the toilets (in italian so she couldn't understand) if they could watch her urinate. some fuck asked me if i had speed and he had dry hands and a grating bogarn accent.

i hate my house and i love lockpicking... even though other people de-merit it with their wangness.

endfile...

well so much for negativity...

i haven't felt so alive and in touch with what's going on around me for a very long time.

truly amazing.

so much for making a fool of myself. i did no such thing. she accepted and understood better than i ever could have hoped.
we talked of varied and engaging topics...

I felt/feel like, rather than my sole existence being with school and with people at school, that i was something else, something separate, something unique, and i felt/feel as though i was growing.

no expectations... no judgements. just a whole lot of honesty, and really good communication. i wasn't trying to be anything, except myself.

everything seems/d really really fresh... rather than being smothered by the dazed feeling of my own insular world - i was/am taking in and giving out.

we talked about grandfather jack, about the remote possibility of me dropping out of school, and of how crap monday and tuesday was. so much honesty. we talked about how we both felt about lots of things, including what had happened, and i felt i could, and in fact did, tell her everything. we talked about me going off to the bush... being completely self sufficient, and her going off to a buddhist monastery in france.
awesome


endfile

that's it!

nikeassholescaeshitnightfootageandreawhatdecrepit

decrepit...

such an awesome painting...

listening to jack johnson - in between dreams.
i like that title a lot. sad music
jack johnson talks a lot about dreams.
at the moment i don't feel like i'm in between
dreams though it would be cool if i did...
better, anyway...

last night didn't didn't talk to Shoshanna or
Claire, cos claire wasn't at CAE, and shoshanna
just walked past.

last night i had a strange dream. i was in mexico.
i asked people in italian 'where is mexico' then,
supposedly, ( i found this out after reading my
dream entry in my diary), i punched some dude in
the face.we were going somewhere, and for a
reason, me and my 2 companions (male + my age)...

in 1 hour i will be meeting with Andrea again.
i have decided to assert myself and tell her that
it feels wrong to have a sexual relationship
without having any feelings for a person. i'm
not ready for it and i just don't think it's
good for me at the moment. i'm going to tell
her that i enjoyed that night, but afterwards
i started feeling really strange about it.

it's going to be fucking hard to do.. and i'll
feel like a nervous wreck, probably, but i
have to do it. And once again i'll make myself
look like i've got no balls. gotta clear my
conscience, mind, and stop being an asshole
to her. hope she doesn't work around it somehow?

honesty.
things are not the same as they used to be.
this wouldn't be a problem if things were just
different. -> but they're not.

reading aldous huxley's 'The Doors of Perception'.

"we live together, we act on, and react to, one another; but always and in all circumstances we are by ourselves. The martyrs go hand in hand into the arena; they are crucified alone. Embraced, the lovers desperately try to fuse their insulated ecstasies into a single self-transcendence; in vain. By its very nature every embodied spirit is doomed to suffer and enjoy in solitude.
Sensations, feelings, insights, fancies - all these are private and, except through symbols and at second hand, incommunicable. We can pool information about experiences, but never experience themselves. From family to nation, every human group is a society of island universes.

deep.

went up onto the roof with lawrence. the plan is now in action. watchout you polluters of the mind.

endfile.

non-ecstasy post ecstasy symptoms

there's nothing in this house that belongs to me.

i'm not really here.

the mundanity reeks of hate.

these scissors are getting blunt...
the scissors are getting rusty...

monotony is raping my mind... emptying it of everything...

what the fuck is going on...

how can it be my fault?

who am i? where am i?

who are these people surrounding me?
why has everything changed so much...
is it because things have changed too little?
where has ME gone?
i'm running automatic...

hold on... where the fuck am i heading and with what behind me?

no religion, no opinion, no interest, no knowledge, no feeling

no dreams recently...
none of note nor none recorded...

grandfather jack has gone back overseas for another
6 months. fuck.don't know why it's suddenly such a
big thing when over the lastfew years i've probably
seen him on average about every 6 months.i think
what changed was that i escaped from mum's feelings
about the issue, and made a strong connection with
him away from thatand realised what a dude he was.
plus being 'grown up' now meansit's easy to say.
i want to see you. rather than him not knowing
wtf is going on. 6 months... he's like 80....

salvador dali is scaring the shit out of me. just
d/l'd one thousand paintings of his, spanning his
whole career. pretty amazing stuff.

this is someone dropping something... i am glad it was done. it felt 'happy', very very calm, and like there was some sort of psychological mechanism that i was freed from. a background some kind of cancelling process. feeling quite fuckd today though, but don't seem to have come down too hard... music sounded good - that's true.

is social interaction an end in itself or a means to an end?
^
|
excuse the cliche

friday night @ the lounge in the city... goood fun. the smoke from the machine became so overwhelming at times that you couldn't see the person dancing next to you. pumping house, port, extremely attractive women. cool people dancing with everybody nice feeling, free beer from barman. gothic looking cloakroom girl, who eric had a bit of a thing for.

can't think properly. have to do things namely h/w (i'm so fucking sick of that word) . goodnite.

me. webcamming with max/talking with jw

startfile...

day, wasted... birthday party for 5 year old cousin... then fucking around not doing any goddamn work... vice magazine rocks my pants..
things are medium

endfile

Christine: "I just walk straight up to them and say, 'I'm attracted to you, why don't we go for some rough and tumble?' I'm a grandmother now. I've lived in the desert for the last 14 years.

now... isn't that beautiful??? the question was, by the way "how do you pick up guys?"

listening to "i'm still free' tomcat

startfile...

'you said this' 'you said that'

rather than assuming what one means, wouldn't it be nice to ask one what they meant, how they feel, rather than assuming?

listening to: oh jim- lou reed

2am diary

pending... transcribed (and slightly modified) from diary
date in diary - 06/05/05

startfile
well i just managed to turn a really awesome night into a somewhat depressing one.

watched the second episode of Flcl. cameron gave me a lift while we listened to the new right where it belongs by nin.
totally awesome...
to robbie's and he told me about the underground bluestone soak bar - where i will be going with pplz next weekend (alex + robbie at tha least)

there i was greeted by the man himself (at robbie's house) who was more than happy to show me the three grams of maria that he bought from wazza. At his house things were rather absurd - robbie had a hole in his shower wall, a syringe on the basin, and his mum didn't like say hi... wtf?

->i've lost track of time!! when was it thati was riding back from school with teishan?... ahhh.. it was today.

• reached 9654 mb on my downloads

then robbie and i and robbie's dad and robbie's sister and mum made our way to bennet's to see franseco Cohiso, but then his dad wouldn't let us stay afterwards and talked to him... didn't really want to stay by myself. max called
saw maeve working in some crepe' place,

frangelico: excellent jazz. the drummer was awesome even though he was a scary motherfucker. francesco did sweet solos. the bartender was this really nice girl with the most amazing voice- robbie thinks so too... drank a crazy south african drink with guarana and coco-leaf extract witha b it of kahlua.. hot stuff. no wonder i'm so energetic now...

on the way to the bar people asking directions - girl stole my sunglasses, put them on and said they were cool. everybody fucking loves my sunglasses!!!

Then, another crazy girl comes up and starts singing some song about wearing sunglasses at night + strokes my face nearly knocking them off... (insane) i was caught off guard...

the whole night robbie's dad was a bit of an a-hole. treats robbie like he's 10... though he did buy me a drink

had a sublime affogato with butterscotch shnapps (pure genius on the part of sexy-voiced bargirl)...

-> i love pissing on the tree outside the front of my house at like 2am when it's dark and there's no one around.

i could have been a bit more outgoing tonight - especially with the bargirl- should have told her that she has the voice of an auctioneer... (awesome became auction and people who are fully % auction are auctioneers)...

robbie has exposed me to the wonders of jazz... hot stuff

caught a taxi... wacky taxi driver. sorta repeated stuff and questions.. pointed out that the substance on his dashboard was in fact weed... how interesting... he offered it to me. i said i didn't smoke- but he ended up giving to me anyway... so now i can sell it... yay. it was a gram

got home and hid it in the best place ever-- INSIDE MY COMPUTER - on my cpu so it slowly smoulders and then i get stoned very gradually... just joking.. in a little box with books in it- very well hidden.. cbf explaining...

-> oh yeah - back to why the night turned depressing...
i made the mistake? of pulling out the book my glenny friends made for me before i left for italy. and reading it - all the nice things they said and stuff - DON't FORGET US etc. we love u.. blah blah . - made me realise that i have been a failure on yet another front.

i think its fucking amazing how fast a situation or feeling can change. earlier today i was feeling like a social fuckwit and demented. i was feeling jealous of freg too with leyla.
heheh this should be interesting...
then after dinner + with cameron in car, everything turned totally huge funness + happy.

then, again, things collapsed into shiteness after reading the book...

then back to happiness i swung realising that it wasn't solely my fault that i had lost contact with some people- quite a few (joyce included) didn't turn up to the pancake parlour thing... and haven't called me - so there you go. btw not saying i have no fault in the matter.
and i also realised that i have got a free gram o' weed, and that i'd had a thoroughly interesting night. so all was good...


should:
sort shit out with andrea
not tell freg i'm jealous (useless addition to his problems)

catch up with the jing
call omar + warren (zarthustra too)

nite...
endfile

postfile
got a message from urban...
remember sitting in the bar just thinking of the infiniteness of amazing experiences one could have. i wasn't like held down by anything- just enjoying the experience- could it go on like that forever? or do we need a contrast to truly enjoy things.

blog setup commencing...
blog setup complete...

welcome to pastfile...

here commences my blog.
for those bored persons who wish to delve into my dark and exciting past, visit www.sinfulplacebo.blogspot.com... i have accepted my past. and i hope you can too.

*