things have changed a lot since my last post.
as always, things change and fade away.

today was a day about people.
brendan, mark, cindy, katie, the dentist, and others.

brendan is homeless. that was quite a reality check.
i gave him my sock, some money for food, and a nang. i've introduced so many people to nangs. cindy had herpes in her eye. mark was basically a good guy, very blokey and drunk, but open-minded at the same time. katie had bad teeth. i shall check up on the dentist in a few years. the guy at the cue had good music taste, and i'm still lonely.

oh, they tried to set me up as well. she now has my number.

i seek ease from my unease.

as usual i am the last one left on the street, my mind has already glazed over - how did i learn to do this? I've already forgotten everything, all of it gone, no matter how deeply the words struck or how much sadness they filled me with.

the darkness surrounds me and i fall into it, i find solace in true emptiness and stillness, not carrying on. i feel like i want to collapse, never has the feeling manifested itself so.

i was always too smart to take it that far, to abuse. but where has all my emotion gone?

what things do people see in me that i can't see in myself.

subconscious.

black everywhere, pale orange somewhere, nothing everywhere, and nowhere. eerie, still monsters loom above me, surreal.

yet again it all fades away.

i knew things were fucked up, i knew i wasn't wrong. illusion.

yet again it all fades away.

I was fucking defending you honour up there you stupid CUNT (spits in her face)

how fucking dare you say that to me(shouting) don't you ever fucking say that again.

Do you have any fucking idea how much you hurt me up there. You did that on fucking purpose didn't you... You wanted to hurt me, didn't you.

(g/f) - muffled response.

i hear snippets of conversation, the guy is talking about himself being a horrible person, his whole life's fucked or something. The girl's not with it, she's talking like a machine.
----------------------------
a bit later....
(g/f) - are you off your face?
I had a 1/4, and you had fucking 3/4 so maybe you should be asking yourself that question.

(g/f) actually i am off my face.
---------------------
Yeah, shit, we've been drinking for about 12 hours straight now haven't we!?

other girl - yeah i'm so fucking wrecked.

the guys go psycho after that amount of time, i swear.

(meanwhile the guy who spat on his girlfriend's face's face is turning red, and the two guys start acting like some kind of monkeys, the other one avoiding eye contact completely and staying very, very still.)
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that casino is the most soulless place i have ever encountered. my fucking god. It's everything that's bad about a 'night on the town', not to mention people fucking up their lives through their gambling addiction. Consumerism is rife there. It's impossible to tell what time of day it is, at 2am i still felt perky, just sitting there watching the people. (about 3 hours after i got there). the lights completely fool any sense of the passing of time. you could stay there forever, and no-one would ever notice you. such alienation. Never before have i witnessed such superficial judgements of people. Just the way people were checking each other out. and the men treating the women like pieces of meat.

(softly 'between mates')
man, check it out, that's some fucking fine pussy over there.
"OI! GET THE FUCK OVER HERE."

"LOOK AT THAT, FUCKING FUCK OFF THEN, STUPID SLUTS!"
------------

Business suit
pinstripe
cocaine
big ego
big muscles
big cock
------------

this girl (late 20's) sort of stumbles past me and sits down on the chair, like a child. old people who take drugs seem childlike to me, anyway that's off the topic, she sits there staring into space the look on her face becoming more and more despondent, she looks empty. i could tell she didn't have a good night. some kind of desperation. she looks empty. it was very busy.

there's so many people eating, but they never finish their meals. there's always at least half left. they eat slowly too, and their hands shake almost imperceptibly, as if they have a mild case of parkinson's. diminished consciousness.

another thing i notice is that people go round in circles a lot. i saw so many of the same people again and again, with a lost look in their eyes. what are they looking for?

i would highly reccomend observing people. i think i learnt a lot. people boiled down to their needs, their desire for something more.

all the lonely people. those lyrics are so much more relevant to me now than they were 6 months ago.

this unshakeable feeling that so many people aren't doing anything towards their ultimate happiness or aims in life. to grounded in everyday tasks. take a trip to your local supermarket and you'll perceive on the lowest level how easy it is for people to get absorbed with the mundanities and shallowness of our society. people arguing about what brand of spice they are going to buy (like it makes a fucking difference), reading horrible trashy women's magazines (written by men, perpetuating sexism).

too many people not taking things to their full extent. most importantly morals. if you're against eating things with parents, it's not hard to be a vegetarian but so many still do. If you're anti consumerism and pro environment there are so many steps that you can take towards these things. If you believe in accepting everybody and giving everybody a chance before judging them,
then do this. If you want to become self-sufficient then do so.

I can only imagine that the biggest failure in someone's life once they have come to terms with the futility of human life, is that of not having fulfilled their dreams. A lifetime is but a dot in an endless sea of black universe. No past, no future. Life should be lived in the present. Always. It's a horrible society in so many ways, but in others its perfect. Amazing communication, so much information everywhere, so much interaction (or potentially if everyone wasn't so emotionally closed of and untrusting). I dunno what i'm trying to say here, but it sort of makes sense. If it was just me... no technology, no economy, i would find it infinitely difficult to travel the world experiencing different cultures and meeting people and learning about human nature.

interesting talking to a girl i used to know (christian) about drugs and such and how down the line her views are. hard to know where those morals actually came from. I wish people would be more open-minded about that sort of stuff. more caring, less precautionary.

'quote from crybloxsome' hit me hard in the head.

Because there is no escape after all. Only challenges to the world that holds your heart a prisoner, and the punishments for setting it free.

sigh... valerian root tastes like shit but makes you sleepy. yum.

i am truly hoping for a (can't talk it's 5am) resumal of my blog, but talking to an exact copy of yourself for 5:00 (someone who seems less real than anybody) can sort of distract you.

wow.

i've decided that if i want to love someone, then i first have to love myself. it could be a while.

wisdom is the essence of experience
night

i cried last night...

ohhhh yes... i cried harder than i have since i was about 10.
it was the thoughts of loneliness, and sadness and inevitably heading towards death, and fuckedness of society. Anyway, that doesn't sum it up. but i cried. 5 movies in like 2 days; nathalie', bondi tsunami, fight club (wow, again), 24 hour party people, and harvie krumpet (the one which made me cry). more accurately it was a combination of harvie krumpet and the director's other, shorter films that made me cry. anyway.

listening to godspeed you black emperor at the moment.

life is not too good at the moment. frustration, uncertainty etcetera. i've been dreaming quite a bit too, then forgetting what my dreams were about. so disorientating.
time for lashings of random quotes:

"I can not abide people who are rude to wait staff. I shall arrest them."

"Contrary to what you may have already heard about cocaine, the high is a very subtle, mood elevating, clarifying, euphoric and an increased talkativeness type of drug."

"Computer games don't affect kids. I mean if Pacman affected our generation as kids, we'd all run around in a darkened room munching on pills and listening to repetitive music... Just a thought."

fuck i'm lazy. i highly reccomend this link: http://www.neuron.net/~navi/entheo/entheo.html

but also, (and maybe more entertaining):
http://www.erowid.org/experiences/exp.php?ID=40305

the other night i experienced an uncategorisable emotion.

restaurants are a mind-alterer. ice-skating is a mind alterer. it's just about where you decide to draw the line.

ignorance is futile. you will be assimilated.
sinking.


looking forward to my magic the gathering pre-release this saturday morning, and also to spinning my bed.

as i was on the tram today i got rather angry. this was because everyone was sitting there absorbed in their own selfish little fucking world and messaging on their phone or staring into space. stuck in their own head, not talking, not interacting. now wonder fucking capitalism is so rife within our society. no wonder people are shy and go all fucking weird (or decide to be shit and talk to the person they DO know) when someone goes - talk to the person next to you that you don't know and tell each other bleh bleh about each other. what an epiphany. from this i have decided resolutely that i shall communicate properly with at least one person on every tram or train ride before 12:01am.

seems to me that:

--school fucks you up good time. makes you stop growing and developing yourself. stops you from thinking straight. makes you 'CONFORM BITCHES', and sometimes makes people fall into a gluttonous, consumerist, capitalistic, depressive haze. not to name names. makes you fall into a trap of thinking in a certain way. over the past 80something% of my life. understandably i have fallen into a certain pattern of interaction and mood that i associate with schoool. it's quite simple really, it's called classical conditioning: "a type of learning found in animals, caused by the association (or pairing) of two stimuli. The simplest form of classical conditioning is reminiscent of what Aristotle would have called the law of contiguity. Esentially Aristotle said, "When two things commonly occur together, the appearance of one will bring the other to mind" - from wikipedia. ANYHOO then u need cool stuff like a movie to snap you the fuck out of it and get you thinking again. thank god for wednesdays, prinny hill has the right idea for sure.

--seems to me that the world would be an amazing place a lot of the time if people suspended their judgement of each other and realised that everyone is largely a product of their own experience.

--the country is so amazingly different from the city. you can actually think clearly in the country.

--oyster farmer is definitely worth watching. get into it. best australian film i've ever seen. (rabbit proof fence coming second.)

--travelling is the best thing i could possibly do at the end of this year... except for 'going underground' *snigger snigger*...
AHAHAAHAHAHA i must laugh. but it's all in good fun, readers.

nite. love you all